Lately I have been challenged, especially by those I called friends…
I thought I could trust people… Yet it seems that every person I decide is a priority to me, thinks of me as just another person who is no good, and in which case it would be better they never see me…
Now I picked up on how they treat me… And who they think I am…
BUT MY QUESTION IS…
WHO AM I REALLY?
The real me?
So, due to me having a major struggle with depression lately… My friends think of me as inadequate to be around…
What they never knew was…
- I live most helping people…
- I live most when I help people…
- I live most when I teach people…
- I live most when I am with those I care about…
- I live most when I can show the world who God is…
- I live most when I know that I am actually valued…
- I live most when I know of something where I could make a difference…
The things that destroy me…
- When I am rejected by those who I care about most…
- When I am seen and said to be childish and immature…
- When I am pushed away, and avoided…
- When I am just seen as a nobody…
NOW WHY DO I SAY THIS?
I recently saw how much I am trusted…
I care too much, and seems like I should maybe stop…
I love to be there if my friends struggle, yet I am not important enough for this…
I know much about my life… But now I might have to put some extra information unknown to many…
Let me start here… I saw the spiritual realm for more than 10 years… This was very hard difficult to explain to people and sometimes to understand myself…
I had no emotions for 7 years, due to rejection… This I only got 4 years ago, which meant I had to learn fast… Meaning that if people say that I am childish or immature, It feels like I am being stabbed…
I never in my life had a girlfriend… And I do not mind, I am now waiting for the girl, God intended for me… Yet, If someone would say something like “I would never date someone like you”… It feels like I should just give up on the idea of dating and even marriage…
But to me the worst is if I wish I could hang out with someone I see as a friend and they keep me by a thread… Just saying they want to, but never do… Or they make promises… Which is not even priority to them…
I love hanging out with friends, yet when I feel like they do not want me in their lives (by actions, not by words)… I might as well give up…
WHY I KEEP SAYING “I AM SORRY”
Many days I feel like I am just doing everything wrong… Especially when it comes to my friends… But why?
I would do stuff, to try and help them, yet when the time comes they use that and destroy me saying that I had selfish motives… This was the reason for my depression of last year December… Which I did not really expect…
If I am seen as doing everything wrong by my friends, It breaks me…
When my attempts at being nice and caring is seen as childish and immature, it hurts me…
When my jokes, complements, hugs and language style offends people, I become hidden…
All these are reasons I start apologizing for and stop trying to be there as well, which is somewhat unfair to those around me, and myself…
YET I WOULD RATHER BE SAD, THAN MAKE EVERYONE MISERABLE…
God bless
Remember the way we treat people make or break them…